Tuesday, July 12, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/12/05

Paula Jones is planning a visit to the Clinton Library. I think she’s just going to make sure her kneepads are displayed properly and in good taste. I can hear it now, “I get one small shelf in the corner and Lewinsky gets an entire wing? What the…”

A pair of rare dwarf Brahman cattle got hitched in Thailand this weekend. Seriously, over 2000 people attended the cow wedding with goats and other animals dressed up in silk garb. Paris Hilton was jealous and said HER wedding is going to be, “Hot. And a million people will be there – and it’s going to cost a whole lot of money!”

In Mexico, a man was held in prison for a week under suspicion that he is an infamous drug lord. In fact, he’s just an architect. He was arrested at a mall (because most drug lords go shopping at the mall with their families), but DNA tests proved he was the wrong guy. Maybe the Mexican police should check out the Aurora mall for drug lords?

While demolishing a Stalin-era building in Moscow this week, workers found a ton of WWII explosives! These explosives could have been used to blow the building if the Nazis ever took over the city. If I’m one of the contractors involved in this demolition, I’m thinking: Cool – we just saved a ton of dough on explosives!

Time for me to get a little tabloidy on ya – Brad Pitt is in the hospital with flu-like symptoms. He just returned from Ethiopia and his publicist says he has the flu. Um, I’d be REAL careful with writing this off as the flu when he just returned from a 3rd world country! Eek!

The MLB All-Star festivities are taking place right now! ZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Will you still need me; will you still feed me, when I’m 64? Will you also still pay me for a good time? A German prostitute is calling it quits when she hits the age of 64, after 49 years in the, uh, business. That’s just WRONG! Guh! Heebie-jeebies here!

News Flash: A survey in Italy shows that men don’t mind seeing women naked on the beach. No kidding? Actually, this survey was directed at the bottomless beaches, but them Italians say they don’t care what kind of body women have – just take it all off! Italian pervies! They probably go to Germany and keep that haggy old prostitute in business!

This milk tastes familiar – the US Food and Drug Administration is considering lifting a ban on meat and milk provided by cloned cows. Um, why are there cloned cows? This scares me – and the FDA is concerned it will scare others. Well, HELL YEAH it will! That’s not right!

When I ran across this I was frightened that someone actually admitted to having a crush on Balki! Then I started to wonder, who did I have a crush on when I was growing up watching crappy TV? Dana Plato? Justine Bateman? Jennilee Harrison? Pam Dawber? Erin Moran? Mary Lou Retton? No, wait – Mary Tyler-Moore on Dick Van Dyke reruns – hubba-hubba! What about y’all?

City officials in East Chicago, IN finally had to turn off a street lamp that created a shadow people believed to resemble Jesus. Over 250 people visit it on a nightly basis! Are we really that desperate to believe in a higher power? Don’t people go to church anymore, or do they just flock to grilled cheese sandwiches and salt stains under highways? I have a feeling there are people out there going through their Frosted Flakes one by one looking for a flake shaped like a religious figure simply so they can sell it on ebay! This one time, when I sneezed – oh, never mind!

In VA, police had to remove 187 cats from an 82-year-old woman’s home. There were 86 more dead cats in trash bins behind the house. I bet the place smelled GREAT! Someone I know used to work with a woman we called the cat lady. She only had 2-3 cats, but she stunk to high heaven! Maybe it was the fact that she wore the same clothes every day or that she showered only on Sundays, but she TOTALLY smelled like cat pee! Blechy! How’s your breakfast today?

A survey finds that MO is number one in slacking at work. And you’re reading this right now. How do you feel about yourself? Should you really be getting paid to read this if you receive it at work? Does your boss know that you are blowing off 5 minutes to read this stupid thing? Feels good, huh?

A Saudi woman defied a driving ban to save her husband after he collapsed at the wheel. Women are forbidden to drive in the city limits of Riyadh because religious scholars fear it would encourage them to mix with men outside their family. If you think I’m about to suggest all women drivers should be banned from driving, well I certainly gave it a little consideration. However, I don’t like sleeping outside, and I only can name one or two women that I know personally that scare the hell out of me when they drive. However, after my ride in this morning, this article did conjure up some personal things people have done lately (on and off the road) that get under my skin:

1) Flicking cigarette butts out the window. The inside of your car already stinks, so why not just keep the butt in there and throw it away when you fill with gas? Seriously – the thing still has remaining stench of smoke on it and it gets into the air vent in my car and makes my whole car stink. Bastards! And if you DO keep these things in your ashtray inside the car, don’t let me catch you dumping them out in the middle of a parking lot. What the hell is that? Why did you even keep them inside the car if you were just going to litter anyway? Did you think it’s better to just have one big pile instead of spreading them around butt by butt?

2) Driving in the emergency lane to pass traffic. Hey, we’re all in the same boat here. We’re all late for something, we all want to be somewhere other than in our cars, and we all hate being stuck in traffic. So what makes YOU so damn important that you can pass everyone on the shoulder? I had this happen to me twice on the way in today: first with some guy on the highway, and second with a guy driving on a double yellow painted median. It really got me in an aggressive mood! There’s also a left side entrance ramp at Santa Fe where people that are in the left hand lane on the highway will cut into simply to pass 3-5 more cars, even though they are already on the interstate (not entering from Santa Fe). I saw one guy do this and knock off another person’s side view mirror because he had no room. Is getting in front of 3 cars really worth it? When I had a large truck, I’d purposely move over far enough that nobody could do that. I’m getting fired up just typing this! GRRRR!

3) Not picking up after your dog. Our new apartment complex allows dogs and there are many! There are also many trashcans with poo bags right above them and LARGE signs that say “Please pick up after your dog.” Right behind our garage is a small grassy area with said sign, bags and trashcan. There is more dog crap in that grass than anywhere else in the complex! In fact, there are 2 piles within 4 feet of the trashcan! I find myself picking up about two other piles along with my own dog, simply because I don’t want to step in it. And I like this place and feel like someone around there should take a little pride and sense of ownership to keep it clean(er)!

4) Cell phones at work. OK, I realize that cell phones have become a necessity in today’s society – no problem. However, when you are at work, have a little respect for your coworkers! Most phones have a silent or vibrate mode – use it! Don’t leave your cell phone on your desk with the ringer cranked up all the way while you are in a meeting. Someone will call you, and you won’t answer because you’re away and the phone will make a “missed call” noise. Then the idiot will call you again right away, and another “missed call” noise. Then we all get to hear the “you have a new message” noise. Just turn off the sound, or turn it down really low. When you are right next to the thing, how loud does it have to ring for you to hear it in a quiet office setting?

5) Office bathroom etiquette! Really, is it that hard to flush? Are you 10 years old? Are you so proud at whatever you have just done that you want it on display for the rest of the office? And I’ll never understand the mid-pee flushers. You’ve wasted a flush, and when you leave the last half of your urine is in the urinal. WTF? And if you’re too much of a wimp to use the urinal (we all get stage fright, but there are dividers – no one can see it, no line behind you – no pressure!), lift the seat up or at least wipe it down after you’ve splattered all over it (another thing that happened to me today). My mother hung a sign in our bathroom when we were little that said, “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.” Do we need this reminder as adults? And do men still need to be reminded to put the seat back down? How old is that joke? A coworker here reports to me about the atrocities that take place in the women’s bathroom, and I have to say it scares the hell out of me! Finally, for the love of germs, WASH YOUR HANDS!


Collin said...

A 64 year old prostitute calling it quits in Germany is news? I think the news would be that she's opening a franchise business. McOldHos or DerElderWhoresen.
"One of these cows is not like the udders..." Yes. I am ashamed. Bad pun. But you notice it isn't stopping me.
This is something that annoys Heather but I almost never know an actor or actress' real name unless I've seen them a lot and like them. I do recall that I liked Mindy (Pam Dawber, Right?). Hmmm. Apparently my brain decided to not hold on to this information.
5 minutes? How fast do you think I read? Interruptions alone...
We hid a co-worker's cell phone once because she always went to lunch without it and it would ring and ring. We stuck it in a plant on top of a bookshelf. By "we" I mean "Derek".
I think you should put that sign up at work. I really do. Heck, if you want I'll design one for you that you can print out. Or maybe Derek will. He's very good at making nifty signs.

At first this post didn't look much shorter, but it actually was. Have a good week Pat.

Pat Angello said...

Collin - sure, make me tell you who they are:

Dana Plato = Diff'rent Strokes. Eventually killed herself - totally messed up chick!

Justine Bateman = Family Ties. Not the ugly blonde one.

Jennilee Harrison = replaced Crissy on Three's Company. Had an odd aversion to bras, probably why I liked her.

Pam Dawber = Mork and Mindy. Nice call!

Erin Moran = Happy Days. What was wrong with me?

Mary Lou Retton = Hot little gymnast in the 1980 olympics.

Way to throw Derek under the bus. And I'll take that sign!

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