Tuesday, July 05, 2005

My Teeth - My Teeth!

Once upon a time there was a boy named Pat. Pat was an athletic young man, and very competitive. When he played football at recess in 4th and 5th grade, he was always the first one picked and would score the most touchdowns. He was fast and fearless.

Pat also loved to ride his bike. He went all over the neighborhood and to the local 7-11 for Slurpees with his bike-riding buds. Pat also liked to jump his bike! Pat, Brad, Joey and Tommy would build jumps, get some air, and show off!

One day, Pat and Tommy wanted to do some bike jumping over at Tommy’s house, which was just across the street from Pat’s house. They pulled out 3 logs, but couldn’t find a good board for the ramp. Pat saw a 1” x 4” board and thought that would work just fine. So, they set up the jump on the sidewalk just at the end of Tommy’s driveway.

Tommy went first. He took a few quick jumps, and then Pat begged to jump on Tommy’s bike. Pat went down the block a few houses and then came toward the jump. He hit it pretty good, but decided that he wanted to NAIL it on the next try. So Pat went WAY back down the street and came at the jump full throttle! Pat hit the board, yanked up on the handlebars, and then it’s a little blurry.

When Pat hit the very narrow 4” wide board, his front tire slipped off the left side and hit the logs. As he pulled up, Pat basically launched himself 45 feet through the air – honestly! When he landed, Tommy came a runnin’!

Pat felt a little out of sorts. He tried to push himself up, but had the bike on his back. Tommy asked if Pat was alright, but Pat just asked Tommy to run across the street and get his mom. As Pat spoke, he felt what he thought were rocks in his mouth. When he spit the so-called rocks out, he felt that his two front teeth were broken. This freaked Pat out quite a bit. I mean, these were permanent fixtures and he had just destroyed them! This prompted pat to yell out, “My teeth – my teeth!”

Pat then pushed himself up to his feet as the bike fell off him. His immediate thought was to get across the street to his mother. As he walked, he repeated his frightening discovery about his two front teeth as his mother stood at the door on the phone with her mother-in-law. As Pat approached, Mom saw the bleeding knees on Pat, and some tears, and told Grandma she had to get going, hanging up the phone. Then Mom saw the teeth and bloody mouth and was a little concerned.

Mom let Pat into the house and told him to grab some tissues and apply pressure to his teeth – and not to worry. She was always good in a child crisis. So Pat did as he was told, grabbing tissues from the bathroom and pressing them on his very loose remains of front teeth as Mom called Dad, who was a physician out making rounds on his patients at the hospital. Pat headed for the couch to lay down.

As Pat lay on the couch with a box of tissues to his side and his right hand in his mouth, he noticed his knee was bleeding. He decided to lift his left arm up off of his tummy to grab a tissue for his knee, but the arm wouldn’t move. Just then, Pat’s brother Tony appeared. Tony asked Pat how he was, and Pat replied that he couldn’t move his arm all of a sudden. Tony let Mom know that Pat’s arm was probably broken, and she relayed the news to Dad on the phone. Dad said he was on his way.

Pat wondered what went wrong on his little fun day out on the bike. He also wondered how he could have pushed himself up from the sidewalk with a broken arm. I mean, his arm didn’t even hurt and now he suddenly couldn’t move the thing! He just stayed on the couch and quietly let the tears roll down his cheeks as Tony and Mom tried to comfort him. Pat was very concerned about his teeth.

Dad got home and told Pat not to worry. “We’ll get your arm taken care of first, and then we’ll call Dr. Haha and see if he can come in today and help with your teeth.” Of course it was a Sunday, and no dentists were around.

Mom, Dad and Pat got into the car and went to the hospital. The good thing about having a dad that is a doctor is that he knows the best in the business for just about anything that could go wrong with you. So dad communicated with Dr. Greenmeanie before we headed toward the hospital, and the wait in the Emergency Room was very short.

Dr. Greenmeanie was a doctor for the local professional football team. So, after Dr. Greenmeanie gave Pat some Novocain, it was time to “set” Pat’s arm back into place. This meant that Dr. Greenmeanie had to basically yank at the bone in Pat’s arm until it was back into place. Pat said he needed more Novocain because this hurt really bad, and Dr. Greenmeanie reluctantly obliged. Then Dr. Greenmeanie started yanking again – treating poor Pat as a big tough professional football player. This was very painful for little Pat. Dad tried to comfort Pat and told Pat he was allowed to curse if he wanted to. “You can even say ‘damn’ if you want.” Pat forced a smile, and then let the tears quietly roll down his cheeks as Dr. Greenmeanie kept on yanking. Finally, the bone was set and a cast was on.

Dad then took Pat the see Dr. Haha, who opened his office on Sunday just for Pat. Granted, Dr. Haha was the only one in the office. Because of this, Dr. Haha had to kind of fuse Pat’s teeth together with a temporary bondo-like substance until the next day. “Now, no biting into anything solid tonight – those are very loose,” ordered Dr. Haha.

On the way home, Dad stopped at Wendy’s so Pat could enjoy a Frosty – the only thing he could really eat.

The next day, Dr. Haha was able to replace the temporary bondo with two half teeth that sort of blended with Pat’s other teeth. “Now, you’ll keep these until you turn 18 and your teeth stop growing. Then we will replace them with permanent caps,” said Dr. Haha. “In the meantime, because your teeth are so loose, no biting into anything solid – not even toast – for a full year.” Pat just realized that for an entire year he was going to have to break everything – even hamburgers – into bite-sized pieces!

Not quite the end!

One year later, after the cast was removed and Pat’s arm was back to normal, Pat was ready for his first bite into something solid! Pat and his family were vacationing back East and they were staying at Uncle Tom’s cabin in the Pocono Mountains. Pat had the best bagel ever that morning!

Almost the end!

When Pat was a freshman in college, just weeks after having his permanent caps in place, he received a call from Dad. Seems Dr. Haha wasn’t exactly happy with the shape of the new caps and wanted to replace them during the holidays for no charge. Pat thought, “Why not?”

Dr. Haha reshaped new caps for Pat that no longer gave him a space between his front teeth. After he was finished with the shaping, Dr. Haha sent Pat to some strange house for a guy to paint the teeth so they matched better. At the house, the man kept removing and replacing the caps as he tried very hard to match the color exactly. There were many dogs running around in this man’s house, and Pat remembers pulling lots of dog hair from his mouth. In fact, Pat is relatively sure that he had to remove a dog hair with tweezers after the caps were permanently cemented into his mouth.

When Pat got back to college, the girl that lived above him in the dorm immediately said, “Did you get new teeth?” She was the only one that noticed, but it made Pat feel good!

The end!


Anonymous said...

You are crazy! That painted a horrifying picture for me, thanks! Austin does this all the time with his buddies & sister! Great! Now every time I see him flying through the air, I will think of poor little Pat! You are the best!

-Kim B.

Derek Knight said...

I feel damn lucky that, even though I launched myself in a similar manner off of my bike when I was younger, I didn't break anything, nonetheless eff-up my teeth...I guess that all of my fat DID serve a purpose: Re-entry cushion...

Jb said...

I'm due for a cap later this year, and this is not very comforting.

Pat Angello said...

JB - Wait until they file your tooth down to a little peg to slide the cap on. Note: do NOT look in the mirror until the cap is in place!

Heather said...

Owww!! See, that's why I never did anything like that with my bike. {shudder}

ica said...

Woah, good parents you had there. My mom probably would've passed out.

Collin said...

Ugh. Painful to read. Brought back memories of all kinds of childhood traumas. No broken teeth yet though.

Jb said...

File the tooth down to a sliver? You'd better believe I'm getting pictures of THAT!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!