Sunday, June 05, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 6/5/05

For the record, you should try on ALL clothing when shopping at an outlet mall. I found a great XL orange shirt, and then saw a yellow one too. I didn’t try on the yellow one, and found out that it was marked incorrectly. However, I wore it to work and felt EXTREMELY uncomfortable all day long. But the orange one is great. So, anybody need a large yellow polo?

Not sure if I believe this, but Christian Slater was arrested for groping a woman in public. Seems Slater touched her booty at around 1:30 AM. A wise man once said, “Nothing good happens after midnight.” OK, so he may have given her a little pinch – I’m thinking she’s making a big deal about it because he’s Christian Slater. I’m not saying you should go around grabbing women on the butt; however this isn’t even close to his last arrest (he allegedly bit a man in the stomach and threw a police officer against a wall in 1997). Maybe he’s just a little lonely?

People are protesting the concert of Slipknot in Greece. The Greek Orthodox Church does not approve of the band’s violent lyrics and references to the devil. The last time I brought up this band, someone questioned me for calling them a death metal band and said it made me look stupid. Then they told me they are an alternative band. OK, I’m saying no! They may not be “death” metal (like Cannibal Corpse), but they certainly aren’t going to be in a bin next to REM any time soon. Maybe we should compromise with “alternative metal?” Nah, screw it – they’re a metal band that wears creepy skull masks and screams violent lyrics! But they sound cool, so who cares?

BTW, I saw a Ministry video on VH-1 Classic’s “The Alternative” so I just gave up trying to categorize music.

I’m going to move from violence to peaceful monks now. What’s that? These monks are fighting? Is it a movie? NO? Actually, in Thailand there are rival monks fighting in the streets! I didn’t know monks flipped the bird, but that’s what started the brawl. I guess these guys have been trading insults and rude gestures forever. That doesn’t sound very Buddhist to me!

Do you ever wonder how some wars just suddenly end? The other side gets a huge leg up and it’s over? Well, it looks like there may be something behind that in India where they are investigating reports that an army brigadier sold the country's battle plan before the 1965 war with Pakistan to fund his wife's hobby of canning fruits and vegetables. Shoes I can understand, but canning fruits and veggies? Well, he did get $400 for the plans, so NOW I see why. Wait, no I don’t!

Sorry, ex-prostitutes, but you cannot teach in Oregon. Sure, California is fine with it, but not in OR. I wonder what exactly they are teaching. I wonder what the high school kids think when they find out their teacher used to be a hooker! OK, this can’t be a good thing!

Some countries do stupid things. Americans idolize scrawny rich bimbos with no talent, and the British run down steep hills after cheese. It’s time again for the annual cheese rolling competition! The winner took home his piece of cheese, after he went to the hospital with a few broken bones. “The pain was worth it,” he said. “This cheese is going straight in a cupboard when I get home. It's definitely not for eating.” Mom must be so proud! If I’m breaking my arm for cheese, I’m eating it dammit!

A woman found $3000 in a chair she bought at a garage sale a few years ago. She’s very excited, and claims she doesn’t remember where she bought the chair. She never looked in the chair the last two years she has owned it, but she does remember paying $2.00 for it. This is a moral dilemma as far as I’m concerned – that ain’t her dough! Shouldn’t she go back and find the original owner? This reminds me of the “Holiday” ham I received a few years ago for a bonus at work. One of my Jewish co-workers called it the ultimate Jewish dilemma – free ham!

A few weeks ago I wrote about a woman who tried to start her own house on fire because her daughters wouldn’t give her drug money. You guessed it; she’s started a trend! Now a man in IL set his own house on fire to get his guests to leave. He was successful at both – burning down the house and getting the guests out. However, it was really his mother’s house. Sweet!

OK, so I saw this on another blog and thought I needed to share it. It’s the Teen Girl Squad! Ridiculously funny and random cartoons with a voiceover that sounds oddly like Brak from Space Ghost! Here are links to the 8 episodes:

The mermaid baby has her fins split! Some freak of nature kid in Peru was born with her legs fused together, just like a mermaid! This week, doctors performed surgery to separate Ariel’s legs, and she will live happily ever after. The end!

Maybe it’s just because I’m horribly mean, but I’m finding this next story extremely funny! A fan at a Snoop Dogg show was encouraged by some performers to climb up on stage. After he got up there, performers kicked and punched him, poured alcohol on him, ripped out his diamond earrings and stole his watch, cell phone and wallet when he approached Snoop. Honestly, some people are just asking for it!

If you think Americans are reaching for stuff to complain about (and we are), look how bored they are in England! There is a new commercial for a chicken restaurant that shows patrons enjoying their food so much they are (gasp!) speaking with their mouths full! Not that I particularly want to see that, but how bad can it be? Personally, I find Old Navy commercials more humiliating when they take disco songs and change the words to make them about clothes. In fact, Super Skirt/Freak is stuck in my head right now! HAHA – now it’s in yours too!

Natural Selection Part 1: You know how I always say that only the great musicians die in horrible accidents? And why can’t something tragic happen to, like, Ashley Simpson? Well, we got close! Former East 17 star Brian Harvey is critically ill in a hospital after he was run over by his own car. How the heck did he do that? Did he drop his lit cigarette out the window and he went to fetch it?

This week’s sign eBay is destroying America: Astronaut Neil Armstrong is suing a barber who auctioned off a lock of Armstrong’s hair for $3,000.00

A message in a bottle saves 88 people lost at sea. Smugglers sent the immigrants adrift after their ship started taking on water. After 3 days, someone in the group tied a bottle with an SOS in it to a line from a nearby fishing boat. And this lovely adventure only cost the immigrants $3,000.00 each!

Did you need another reason to not watch Britney and Kevin: Chaotic? How about the fact that she rambles on forever about how good their sex is while she is pregnant! Do we really need to know this?

Here’s the latest reason why the paparazzi needs to be controlled – they purposely hit the car Lindsay Lohan was driving in because she was trying to avoid them and flag down police. That’s just lovely! Did they not learn anything when they killed Lady Di? Apparently Cameron Diaz is the next target – she is suing the National Enquirer for pics of her hugging her reality TV show producer. They used a headline saying she is cheating on Justin. OK, I officially never want to be famous now!

Crazy elderly people crack me up! In Australia a woman in her 80’s was denied a new driver’s license, so she and her husband took off and avoided police for two weeks! A geriatric Bonnie and Clyde! Not to be outdone, an elderly couple was busted in NJ (where else?) for having an entire arsenal of weapons stored in their house. We’re talking about nearly 500 guns, including AK-47s and high-powered rifles, 500 pounds of gunpowder and 100,000 rounds of ammunition! When they tell the neighbors to turn down the music, they better listen!

Alert: Most ridiculous story this week! In CO, Al Lender (heir to the Lender Bagel fortune) is facing a recall election for city council. Protesters are leaving bagels and nasty signs in his yard. The controversy surrounding Lender includes an admission to doing time for selling cocaine. His opponent actually accused Lender of using that story for sympathy votes! Is that what we’ve come to? Instead of digging up dirt on politicians, like selling cocaine, the politicians are actually getting sympathy for horrendous acts? That really struck me as preposterous! I guess any way you can spin something…

Natural Selection Part 2: A man in PA was injured while, uh, dropping the kids off at the pool in a porta-potty. When he lit a cigarette in there the thing exploded because of the methane gas coming from a pipe leak underneath. Of course he is suing!

This story sent my brother off into a bad impression of Dr. Phil:

“Never smoke where you #$^%!”

“How many times do I have to tell you, you can’t smoke a cigarette when you have a pickle in your hand?”

“Like my momma always said – if you’re gonna eat soup, make sure the dog is in the other room!”

In your FACE Renee Zellweger! Jack White is now off the market as well, marrying the creepy model from the new White Stripes video. It’s a match made in a surreal hell! The wedding took place in a canoe on the Amazon River in Brazil. Yeah!

Natural Selection Part 3: In case you needed an anvil to the head about where else not to use a lighter, may I give you a story about a man in NY trying to steal gasoline in the dark. I think you can draw your own conclusions to this story because you have a little something called common sense!

In Taiwan restaurant owners are being asked to serve food that engages the bowels. Taking this one step further is an owner that decided to serve his food out of toilets and urinals so you don’t miss the point. Well, if you’re eating dog, you might as well act like one!

I want to move to San Francisco just so I can see the new billboards of men that have been caught soliciting prostitutes! Sweet! “Isn’t that the guy that sits next to you at work?”

In Germany, a man was saved from being tied up and locked in a trunk of a car. However, it looks like he was into that sort of thing and was very disappointed when he saw cops letting him out of the trunk instead of his dominatrix. Bummer!

OK, so seriously, what IS the deal with Dave Chappelle? Rumor is he was doing stand-up in LA last week – he’s not in some insane asylum in South Africa! Well then git yer show back on the air, homey!


Trashman said...

Now I know where to come to get the latest news. LOL

Pat Angello said...

Trashman - the "blogs against hilary" link on your page has earned you a link on my blog. You ROCK!

leeontheroad said...

hey Pat, it upset the hounds to read about those dogs in Taiwan. . . .

Robin said...

I can't watch that Brit and Kevin show - very white trash if you ask me. I mean, get over yourself Britney!
Funny Blog - good times!

Pat Angello said...

Lee - It upsets me as well! We love our furry stinky daughter!

Robin - I'm very glad you have found more constructive ways to spend your quality time at home!

Collin said...

Groping booty isn't very Christian.

Even monks need to unwind. Monking ain't easy.

The bad thing about having an ex prostitute for a teacher is that simply having sex with her won't get you a better grade. You have to lay out some green as well. Unless you were a rich kid your grades might really suffer.

A handgun works far better than a house fire for getting rid of crackheads. So I've heard.

If you enjoyed the Snoop Dog "thing" you might get a kick from this:

No, Super Shirt/Freak isn't stuck in my head because I had my ears plugged while I was reading your post. Hah!

Brian Harvey was trying to save a puppy you heartless bastard! He forgot where the break was so he jumped out, ran around to the front and threw himself between the car and the dog. Or maybe not. Personally, I've never even heard of the guy.

Space hair is a valuable commodity.

So... someone on a boat was fishing for immigrants? Is that a sport now? I feel so out of touch.

It turns the baby into one big ben-wa ball.

Is too late for you to not be famous. You have a fan club and everything. Better start killing the paparazzi now while you can.

It's important to get the sympathy of the druggie community if you really want to make it in this crazy, nutty, druggie world.

I wonder, if stupid acts were more often fatal would there be fewer lawsuits? Or would their survivors sue?

As long as Jack and the creepy model name their first born "Peanut" all will be well with the world. Why? I don't know. God's fickle like that.

I saw photos of that restaurant. A coworker had the story on his screen and was talking about it. I asked if they served drinks in athletic cups but nobody knew for sure.

You should check around. There's probably going to be a blog that will post digital photos of the billboards. It could save you some packing.

Have a good week Pat.

Heather said...

I am so out of touch with the news...thank God for your blog! They're posting these fella's mugs on billboards? Holy cow!

Kathryn Is So Over said...

Hey! "Another blog" did post the Teen Grrrrrl Squad!! Glad you liked them. :)

Pat Angello said...

Kathryn - forgot to link to you in the text! I fixed it, and I always have you in the margin there.

You are a great writer!

Kathryn Is So Over said...

Thanks, man!! :)

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!