Sunday, June 12, 2005

PAFC Newsletter 6/12/05

Again, if it were anyone else… Russell Crowe was arrested for throwing a phone at a hotel employee this week. If that were just an average businessman throwing a phone, the bellhop would have called him an expletive and told his friends about it. However, when it’s Russell Crowe, then we need the police involved and possibly file a multi million dollar lawsuit. Crowe did apologize, but not directly. He waited until he was on Letterman to apologize! The bellhop was working that night and missed it.

Why do all of the best stories come out of New Delhi? An Indian temple is fining a family because their infant child urinated on the mom in the temple. Um, not sure the family or the child had any control over that! It’s not like the kid purposely desecrated the floor! For the record, I have not urinated on the floor in church – not even the Methodist church!

Chill out – it’s only a month away! Two men in England were arrested for trying to sell a stolen copy of the new Harry Potter book to a tabloid. Seriously, it comes out in a month – relax! What would the tabloid do with it anyway? If they gave anything away, people would swear them off! Rumor is, Harry is now on steroids and has given up Quiddich for football. “Flying brooms are for wussies!”

Everyone loves Muslims, don’t they? I mean, even the show 24 has done public service announcements to say that the show is only a show and Muslims are wonderful people. But not Italy’s justice minister – a member of the right-wing Northern League party. He is fining Muslim women that wear the all-covering burka in public. I guess there is an Italian law banning the covering of a person’s face in public. To hell with tradition and customs! Good thing there isn’t a law banning back hair in public, or 98% of Italians would be in jail!

Guilty pleasures of the week:

1) Hit Me Baby One More Time – a TV show on NBC that features somewhat one-hit-wonders of the 80’s and 90’s playing their, uh, one hit and then covering a current hit. Last week (Thursday nights) included Tommy Tutone (Jenny Jenny, 867-5309), The Knack (M-M-M-My Sharona), Haddaway (What is Love – think Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell in a Night at the Roxbury), The Motels (Only the Lonely), and Vanilla Ice (Ice-Ice Baby)! They came back in the second half of the show and played, All The Small Things (Tommy Tutone/Blink 182), Are You Gonna Be My Girl (The Knack/Jet), Toxic (Haddaway/Britney Spears), Don’t Know Why (The Motels/Norah Jones), and I’m a Survivor (Vanilla Ice/Destiny’s Child). The host is a buffoon, but the performances were pretty good! Sad I missed Loverboy the week before!

2) Beauty and the Geek – yes, I’m still watching this! I reviewed it last week and I’m all wrapped up in it! I swear, I’m defending these people and telling my wife what the redeeming qualities of the show are. I know, I should be beaten like a rented goalie, but somehow the show has me mesmerized!

However, I refuse to watch Dancing with the Stars. And, frankly, it scares the hell out of me that it was 2nd in the ratings last week! Maybe it really IS the “International Phenomenon!”

I’d like to speak with the grandmadam please… An 80-year old woman in NJ (does that surprise you?) was busted for running a prostitution ring through an escort service. Insert your own denture joke here!

I’ll try to stay away from the crude and obvious jokes on this one as well, but a woman in Australia was arrested for smuggling 51 fish under her skirt in a specially designed apron. During a customs search, an officer said he could hear flipping noises coming from her waist. I think she tried to pull off an Alien scene, but she was busted anyway.

Charlie Brown is missing! A 6’ statue of good ol’ Charlie Brown was swiped from in front of a restaurant in CA. Don’t be too sad – there are 54 MORE Chuck statues hanging around the town of Santa Rosa. What a bunch of loveable losers!

Also in Santa Rosa, a new form of protesters has been uncorked! People are now planting endangered flowers (illegal to destroy) in areas that are proposed for new housing developments. Seriously, donate your time to charity!

Speaking of charity, can someone tell me why the one we shall not mention needs a 26-karat, $5 (remember, million is always implied in celebrities wasting money – and tears of a clown!) engagement ring? If you are that disgustingly wealthy, why not get an extremely obnoxious 4-karat ring for a cool million and donate the rest of the money to a decent cause? Oh, yeah – because you are the most disgustingly self-centered pig of a person on the face of the earth! Her emaciated arm won’t even be able to hold that preposterous thing up!

Mmm – PBJoint sandwich! People are getting very creative in smuggling pot – even in GA! Some guy tried to smuggle pot via his PBJ sandwich into prison. Now he gets to stay longer! YAY! Oh, and idiot potheads in MN are stealing signs for 420th street. Honestly, get a job! Maybe MN Viking Onterrio Smith was one of the culprits! He was just suspended from the NFL for the season for substance abuse. Totally worth it!

OK, if you’re going to be a purse-snatcher, you better not be afraid of elderly women! A would-be purse-snatcher who said, “I’m going to take your purse”, approached a 91-year-old woman. She replied, “No you’re not” and beat him with the purse until he fled. That’s good stuff right there!

In SC, an off-duty police officer was just a bit surprised to see his own stolen Jetta come driving down the street. He pulled his cruiser around and arrested the car thief. If you’re going to steal a car in a small town, at least leave the city limits! Duh!

Here’s the dumbest thing I’ve found on line this week: a man in Italy had his license suspended because he is gay – the police weren’t sure if he was suitable to drive. OK, he’s GAY – not retarded or 106 years old with cataracts! The final ruling: The court on the Mediterranean island said being gay was merely "a personality disturbance" which had no bearing on a person's ability to drive. Uh, thank you?

What’s the matter, bunny?

So, if you want to rob a bank, make sure you have your OWN getaway vehicle. Some idiot in SC took a cab to a bank, asked the driver to wait, and then came running out with a fist full of cash and customers following him. Needless to say, he didn’t get anywhere. Maybe he needed the money for a car?

When I saw a headline about “Underwear Thieves” in Cambodia, I thought they stole underwear. Um, actually, they rob people while DRESSED in their underwear and greased up so they are harder to catch. If they ever broke into our house, my wife would probably be unfazed as I pretty much run around in my underwear all the time.

For that visual, you’re welcome! There’s more where that came from if you come see me at Freak Train on 6/27. I promise it could be disturbing!

Not as disturbing as this: after a family in Russia didn’t pay their bills for 2 years (it took 2 years?), the police broke in to find them all dead. The best part is that all died at different times! Ugh! Someone call someone!

Since I’m on a roll here: a woman in NY found human body parts in her back yard. Apparently a stowaway mistimed his leap into a planes wheel well. The rest of him landed at the airport. Pilots noticed a “vibration and pounding” after takeoff. No biggie!

Is Michael Jackson feeding Macaulay Culkin’s fix? I’m thinking that as long as Macaulay says good things about Jackson, MJ sends the boy prescription drugs and, uh, other stuff. Yeah, Jackson never touched Culkin – as much as Monica never touched Wild Bill!

The guy that got shot in the leg and still delivered the pizza he was carrying should be on an inspirational poster in an office. Forget the soaring eagle; show the limping, bleeding guy with the word “DEDICATION” over his head! Or, you can use a picture of the guy in LA that escaped prison by digging a hole – just like in the movies!

God bless Penn Gillette! First of all, he and his partner Teller are brilliantly entertaining. I’ve seen them do some of the most amazing and funny things! Secondly, he had the moxie to name his newborn daughter “Moxie Crime Fighter Gillette.”

OK, weekend highlight had to be running into Tommy Chong at Twist and Shout Saturday with my wife and niece. He was even kind enough to let us take a quick camera phone pic with my niece! FYI, he was driving a Suzuki sedan!

Lee won’t like this, but a 220 pound black bear chased a dog back into a house in VA. The dog was attacked as the bear went on a 40-minute rampage in the house. Owners eventually locked the bear in a closet – the dog was treated for puncture wounds. My Lab high-tails it back into the house when she sees a Chihuahua!

Also, in Costa Rica, a priest has been sentenced for killing a street dog that disrupted service. “What’s that? There are how many commandments? Ten? Really? You sure it’s not just 6 or 7?”

A man led police on a chase in Greece that ended up on an airport runway shutting down air travel. You’d think the man stole something pretty impressive to endanger that many people and end up on a runway. Yeah, he stole cookies. Not diamonds – cookies!

There is a big, stinky problem in Vancouver – and I’m not talking about Todd Bertuzzi! Apparently, the homeless are dropping deuces in the alleys as business owners will no longer let them use public restrooms unless they are paying customers. It’s really bugging people taking their smoke breaks at the back doors of offices. Ah, because cigarette smoke smells so much better! I knew the NHL lockout was getting to these hockey players, but I thought most of them would at least use a restroom properly!

Remember when you were a kid, playing outside on a summer day, and you heard the jingling music of the Ice Cream Man coming down the street? You dropped everything and ran to mom for some money to go get a Bomb Pop! Well, the stoners are doing the same thing in Memphis as the local Ice Cream Man is selling drugs out of his truck! Nice! Might as well get the kids hooked early – like at the age of 5!

I told you cats are the devil’s creatures many times. A pair of kittens in Tokyo used a fax machine as a litter box which sparked a fire damaging their owner’s house. The owner put out the fire and was treated for smoke inhalation. The cats, of course, scattered to safety without any problem. Little evil things!

Talk about a mad cow! Police in Nigeria arrested a cow (yes, a cow) for killing a bus driver who was urinating on the highway! Maybe this cow should be sent to Vancouver!

Just in case you are feeling more comfortable with our highly trained border officials looking out for ANYONE that could be detrimental to the well-being of Americans, let me make you a little paranoid again. A man carrying a sword, a hatchet, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood crossed the U.S.-Canadian border this week. I’ve seen 8-year-old girls in pigtails get cuffed and frisked in airports, but “Jason” walked right on through! No worries, thought: two days after being allowed into the United States, Gregory Despres, 22, was arrested in Massachusetts in connection with the beheading of his elderly neighbor and the stabbing death of his wife in the New Brunswick town of Minto. So, you know – no big deal there.

In Houston, two daughters have sued a synagogue after they found a potato chip can in place of their mother's remains behind the locked, glass door of her niche in a mausoleum. “So if the sour cream and onion chips are here, what did I just eat?”

You know, there are stupid people all over the country – not just in the south! In Chicago, a woman let her 11-year-old son drive home from school. The boy crashed the minivan near a group of kids, but nobody was hurt! Yes, the mom was in the car, perfectly sober, but just plain stupid!

A student in England is turning road kill into art. Nothing says “Happy Father’s Day” like a desk set made out of a dead squirrel! And NO, you may not have my monkey head lamp OR the lambdle my brother gave me!

You know, when you send the kids to school, you want them to learn from the best. For instance, when being taught about safety when starting fires outdoors for camping, you want a retired forest ranger like Gary Hodgson in NY. Well, you probably wanted him before last week when he had a little mishap and nearly burned down the school. Something tells me Gary should stay retired!

Speaking of retired, Mike Tyson gave up mid-fight last night! Tyson fought Ireland’s Kevin McBride on Saturday. Iron Mike tried to break McBride's arm in the 6th round, and then tried to hit him low. When all else failed he aimed his head at McBride's forehead, butting him and opening a cut next to his left eye. “I was desperate,” Tyson said. “I wanted to win.” Nothing like wanting to win fairly! I’m gonna miss him like Herpes in remission!


Collin said...

When is this "Hit Me Baby One More Time" that you speak of on? It sounds similar to an idea for a show that Heather was wishing they would make, only her idea involved old forgotten bands duking it out in an American Idol style competition.

"beaten like a rented goalie"... I like that.

Can the endangered flowers be moved since it isn't their natural habitat? It says they can't be destroyed but you wouldn't be causing any more damage by moving it than the activist did by planting it. Still, it's a good example of thinking outside the flower box.

Look at it this way: That's $5 meeeelion less that celeb will have in the bank. Hell, I say buy a $30 meeeeelion ring. And leave a tip.

I wonder how that whole "driving while under the influence of gay" thing was determined? Is it a variation of a brethalizer? Or was the driver just extra stylin'?

But do you run around greased? Then again, forget I asked.

Perhaps the phone wasn't working, the doors were locked and the first person to die hid the key?

Coming to America in pieces near you! Sorry.

I would think that Culkin would be bitter that MJ didn't touch him. He must be thinking, "Is it my goofy eyes? My messy hair? What's WRONG with me?!"

I think his underlying motive is to not have to worry what his teenaged daughter is up to. With a name like Moxie Crime Fighter she won't be hanging with the boys.

How the Hell do you get a bear into a closet? Pick-a-nic basket? And they must have strong damned doors in their house.

Okay, he stole cookies but THEY CHASED HIM THERE. Seriously. Did they think he stole diamonds? The Greeks must really value their cookies.

Mausoleum workers need to have some fun too. At least they didn't fill it with angry, spring loaded cats.

That mom was probably teaching her son a valuable lesson about annoying it is to always be his chauffeur or something.

How can one dead squirrel make an entire desk?

Tyson's back and then gone again. I wonder if any of his anger stems from sharing his name with the company famous for selling chicken? "Tyson: tasty chicken, dirty fighter!"

Have a good week Pat. On second thought... have a GREAT week.

Heather said...

Tommy Chong was in Denver? Hell...

You know, cookies are TOTALLY worth it.

Todd Bertuzzi....grrr!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!