Sunday, May 08, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 5/8/05

Happy Ocho de Mayo! I know he said it as a joke, but President Bush suggesting a Cinco de Mayo dinner on the 4th just made me laugh! At least I hope he was kidding. Sometimes, you just don’t know!

Oh, and happy Mommy’s Day! KT and I are each blessed to have fantastic mothers! However, I think that on the holidays where we are required to eat two huge meals we should be allowed to induce selective bulimia! I’m the first guy in the crowd to tell you there are too many skinny girls in the world, but I’m seriously considering sticking my finger down my throat as I type here! Holiday bulimics unite!

Since we’re on the subject, why even MAKE a 15 pound hamburger? Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, which lost its crown as the home of the world's biggest burger earlier this year, is now offering a new burger that weighs 15 pounds. Are you still wondering why we have eating disorders in this country? Just think of how disgusting you feel after a ¼ pounder at McDonald’s and multiply that by 60. The burger comes with 10.5 pounds of ground beef, 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana peppers - and a bun, and it costs $30. It can pretty much feed a family of 10, but you win a prize if you can finish it yourself within 3 hours. That prize? Free quadruple bypass surgery and all the nitroglycerine you can stomach!

Here’s some dumb good news: I won a contest! Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine, a silly band that turns rock/rap/pop hits into lounge music, has selected my suggested song to be on their new CD! Heck, my name is on their web site: www.iloverichardcheese.com! I told them it was about time they did some Metallica, so Enter Sandman it is! This is honestly (and amazingly) one of my prouder moments!

For the love of God, there are locusts in Bangladesh! Huge swarms of ‘em! Could this be the end of the world? I’m thinking that a bigger sign would be the media attention surrounding some dingbat leaving her fiancĂ© two days before the wedding! Honestly, THIS is newsworthy?

I love dumb stoned hippies – can’t get enough of ‘em! I really love when they do dumb hippie things like try to pay for their pizza with pot. So the delivery guy shows up and dumb stoned hippie boy realizes he’s got no money. When the delivery guy refused the pot, the hippie pushed him and punched him in the face. I thought pot was supposed to mellow you out, man! What’s with the hostility?

Planning your summer vacation yet? Well, I cannot really give you ideas on where to go, but how about a tip on where NOT to go? I’ll say Cape May, NJ. Not because it’s in NJ specifically, but because they just lifted their 30-year-old Speedo ban. I don’t really care how proud some people are of their manhood, Speedos make EVERYONE laugh! Seriously, nobody wants or needs to see that!

Did you need another reason (other than my mother never coming to my house again) for me to not own a cat? How about hygiene! But now, some woman (with WAY too much time on her hands) has developed a training system to teach cats how to use a toilet. The gift of flushing is left to the owner. It’s just an 8-week process, and can be purchased (I can’t believe I’m touting this!) at http://litterkwitter.com.au/. That’s correct – Litter Kwitter!

I know you’ve heard about this, but the finger in the frozen custard is just sick and wrong! The guy KNEW he lost his finger, yet he still let the batch of custard go up front to the customers! Why would they not close down the shop until they found the finger? Did they not want all of the custard go to waste? “It’ll turn up eventually, just go help that customer!” Guh! Ya know, some kid working at Red Robin this weekend got a bloody nose and was immediately sent home by the manager. You just don’t mix biohazard and food!

Three men in Germany are about to go to trial for robbing 14 banks in the last 16 years and stealing about $1.3 (remember million is always implied in bank robberies – and number of people that don’t care who Paula Abdul sleeps with!). I know that seems like a long time span for those robberies, but what else do you do when you’re retired? Yep, the robbers are known as the Grandpa Gang, averaging 70 years in age! How can you not chase down AARP members?

Some people are dumb, and then there’s this woman. Laurie Ralston applied for a job as a dispatcher with the police department. When they did a background check, police quickly found out she has 17 traffic convictions, including seven speeding tickets and two citations for driving without a license. So they called her in for an interview and arrested her. Duh! She claims she had no idea the police were after her. So, were you not really present when you were cited for driving without a license? Don’t look for Ralston on Jeopardy any time soon!

I used to think I wanted to be famous, then I see articles like this and I SO don’t! Britney Spears’ pregnancy test sold to the (get this) Golden Palace online casino. Yep, the same people that bought the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich AND the stripper implant! “It's hard to put a price on Britney Spears' urine,” said Golden Palace spokesman Drew Black, thus cementing his place as the most tasteless man on earth! To try to save their name (HAHA!), the Golden Palace also won the new pope’s former vehicle, a 1999 VW Golf, for $244K! I guess there might be a spot in heaven for them after all!

I don’t know about you, but I am always getting lost in grocery stores – they find the strangest places to put items! Now, thanks to modern technology, you’ll never get frustrated again! New carts with touch screen computers are hitting the stores! These carts will allow you to locate anything in the store, as well as order things from the deli without standing in line and keep a running total of what’s in your cart! Now if we could only get these in hardware stores!

Pam Anderson is boycotting KFC because of their “unethical treatment of chickens” that are ABOUT TO BECOME FOOD! Please! Is the chicken almost extinct and I missed the memo? Exactly how are we supposed to “ethically” treat these brainless birds that we call dinner? I guess we should coddle them and pet them until they are good and plump. Then we can give them a sedative before we hack off the heads! It’s food! Eat it and get those ridiculous looking things out of your body! People, Pam Anderson is trying to preach ethics! Keep an eye out for a swarm of locusts!

A man in India left home a few years ago to find work. When he returned this week, he came back to his wife a eunuch. Surprisingly, she wants a divorce! He earned money singing and dancing while away from home, but his wife now feels he’s an embarrassment to the family. I’m just putting this down as the meanest April Fool’s Day joke ever!

A Michigan high school marching band has been banned from playing the song “Louie, Louie!” Seems the superintendent of the school feels the lyrics are too raunchy for a high school band to play. Does anyone even know the lyrics to this song? What is it, the first song about sex ever? It’s so subtle, who can tell? I guess the super would rather they play “Rock and Roll Part 1” by Gary Glitter who was arrested for child porn – much better example!

This year’s award for dumbest football player in the NFL goes to: Kellen Winslow Jr.! I know, the season hasn’t even started yet, but Winslow broke his leg in the 2nd game of the season last year, thus destroying a promising rookie year for the first rounder. In fact, that injury cost him a $5.3 million signing bonus. However, Winslow thought it would be a good idea to go speeding through a parking lot on a motorcycle last week. He was thrown from the thing and now has chest injuries. Dude, if losing $5.3 million doesn’t teach you to be careful and get ready for the next season, what does it take? If you are that stinking rich, share the wealth!

2 comments:

Collin said...

That is so funny! I've been kicking around ordering a Richard Cheese CD for months now but I keep putting it off. Congratulations! What did you win?

Just think how wild that hippy would have been if he wasn't stoned! He would have ripped that poor driver in half, to be sure!

"kwittie litter" would have been funny too.

I imagine the guy who lost the finger was either in shock or screaming. I blame his coworkers. And you DO mix biohazard and food if you are trying to bring about a zombie apocalypse.

Perhaps they are looking to change their name to the Golden Showers Palace.

I am SO looking forward to stealing one of those carts! Sweet!

Obviously the chickens need to be walked down a long corridor, have their chance to make their peace with God and then gently put to rest by lethal injection. Until they realize injecting chickens with poison might not be such a good idea.

Did the eunuch man suffer some sort of ghastly elevator mishap? Those doors can be tricky when you aren't prepared. And naked. Waving your dangly bits around. Drunk.

The principal caved after numerous complaints. They can now safely be raunchy.

Yeah! Kellen Winslow Jr. better damned well buy me a cheeseburger!

My, but you do write some mighty long posts! Thanks for linking me, I will do the same for you as soon as Blogger lets me modify my template again. Right now it keeps saying, "Document contains no data"

Pat Angello said...

Thanks Collin! Blogger gets a little off sometimes, but it usually comes around the next day.

You ROCK baby!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!