Sunday, May 22, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 5/22/05

Oh, NO! It’s DEVO!

Thanks for all the emails and YES I’m excited that Devo is coming to Denver! My wife is actually going with me, as long as I say we are going to see the English Beat, Missing Persons, A Flock of Seagulls, Dramarama, Real Life, & Devo. But, dammit, I’m taking her to Devo! For tickets, check out the House of Blues web site at http://www.hob.com/! The tour is called the Lost 80’s Live and should be coming to a town near you!

I’ve always wanted to see a Bozio live and in Person!

Since I’m talking music, the newest Hot Hot Heat CD is pretty impressive, and new System of a Down is really fun! I may write them up this week, but don’t hold me to it… However, I have added a few new blogger links on the blog!

So, with the summer concerts being announced, you may be wondering what the hottest concert wear is this year! Well, my new Bootsy Collins Hawaiian shirt is pretty sweet, but I understand at least one person was spotted in a Pat Angello Fan Club t-shirt (www.cafepress.com/pafc, www.cafepress.com/pafc2) at Coachella, probably because the other doofus forgot his!

God bless FOX for keeping Arrested Development alive despite its horrendous ratings! Again, trust me when I tell you, rent season one on DVD and try not to get hooked – it’s impossible! AD is the smartest sitcom in YEARS and somehow nobody is watching it.

Speaking of horrible ratings, Britney & Kevin: Chaotic scored a whopping 1.9 rating! You may recall another reality show called The Will that was cancelled after its first episode because it had “the smallest audience ever for a series premiere on any major network” with a 2.9 rating. Not sure you can call UPN a major network really, but apparently SOME people liked the show (http://kathrynon.blogspot.com/2005/05/chaotic.html)! Lord knows I won’t give it enough of my time for a review! The 45 seconds I saw of it reminded me of a green toned Blair Witch project with very horny actors. If you’re hoping for reviews from me on Hell’s Kitchen and Dancing with the Stars, let me nip that in the bud right here as well!

Some freak in Britain is wandering around in a suit that is soaked, not speaking to anyone, but playing the piano like Billy Joel and Elton John tag-teamed Tori Amos. He’s very unapproachable and nobody knows where he lives, but a mime claims to know him. Yeah, a MIME said he knows the guy! If he’s hanging out with mimes, no wonder he doesn’t say anything. People at a psych hospital are thinking he’s extremely depressed as he will not speak or let anyone within 3 feet of him. Again, this is why I don’t hang with mimes! Not only are they depressing, but also they really scare me!

Stop the world – 14-year-olds are HUGGING! But not in Oregon, no sir! Sky View Middle School in Bend, OR has banned hugging in the school and kids are getting detention over it. Hugging, not making out, just hugging. With so many 12-year-old mothers showing up on talk shows, I think schools should focus on something a little more important than hugging! Wait, this isn’t just a hug hello or goodbye – this is “protracted” hugging. What is this world coming to?

The Italian mob (shuddap!) in Rome is being accused of injecting Viagra into racehorses to fix races. However, there is no information on how the drug affects the speed of the horses. I’m thinking the horses are a little, uh, anxious – maybe the Italians are just trying to help!

Only in Nebraska! A man shopping at the local Wal-Mart in Norfolk tackled a loose deer in the store. Somehow the deer snuck past the 105-year-old greeter until it slipped on the floor, then it ran down the aisle. A customer tackled it, and then (like it’s ingrained in their minds) a few other customers rodeo-tied its legs. The deer was then placed in a shopping cart and pushed out into the parking lot. Imagine seeing a tied up deer in a shopping card rolling through a parking lot – that’s half of a Tom Green movie already!

Has Ron Jeremy relocated to Tanzania? The people in a Tanzanian village are sleeping outside in fear of being raped by a spirit-monster called Popo Bawa (bat’s wing). The rumor is that this spirit only attacks people in closed doors late at night. I guess that rules out OJ. One villager recalls, “I couldn't call out for help to my husband who was lying asleep beside me. Popo Bawa is strong: He really presses down on you. And it took such a long time: One hour! Eventually I lost consciousness.” One hour? Either Popo Bawa is tantric or the Italian Mafia is involved!

“Look like a tart or yer fired!” No, it’s not the next Apprentice: Las Vegas. However, a bartender in Vegas is suing because she was fired for not wearing makeup. In fact, Harrah’s has a “mandatory policy that it called ‘Beverage Department Image Transformation,’ which required, among other things, that women wear makeup.” I’m a little afraid to ask what “other things” refers to…

So, ya think yer cool with that new tattoo? Well it looks like yer just average now! In fact, the heavily tattooed people of yesterday are starting to get a little upset that tattoos are losing their nonconformist lure – everybody’s doing it! That’s why I held out. Now my unmarked, lily-white, fuzzy, round body is suddenly, dare I say, cool!

And now it’s time for a random Top 11 List!

Top 11 Words Created by God’s Gift of C-Rap Music:

11) Phat

10) Thang

9) Yo!

8) A’ight

7) Cred

6) Dissin’

5) Uhh!

4) Crunk (though I will argue that this word was created by someone on SNL before Lil’ Jon swiped it and got rich off it)

3) Babyda

2) Bling

1) (insert half of a noun here)-izzle

Care to add more? Then bring it on!

I know there are many signs this week that the apocalypse is upon us, but I think none are more frightening than Donald Trump developing The Apprentice: The Musical!

Did you know that sitting in a cubicle next to the printer/copier/fax machine makes everyone in your office think you are the expert repairman on said printer/copier/fax machine? For the record, I have no clue on how to fix the printer/copier/fax machine. My response from now on will probably be, “Did you kick it?”

Colorado is the home of Coors brewery! Yeah! And if you work for Budweiser and think you can drink Coors in the privacy of your own home in CO, think again! A man working for Bud was fired for drinking a Coors at a bar in Golden, CO. Do you think there’s a lawsuit coming? For the record, every appliance in my house is GE and my computer is Sun – really!

OK, maybe…

So much for people from Wyoming being a bunch of bumpkins! A couple from the University of Wyoming’s Computer Science Department have just been awarded a $100,000 grant to continue developing tiny robots built for cleaning up hazardous chemicals! These little guys will soon be able to detect and zero in on the source of bio terrorist activity. Sweet – they are actually more than a remote control car with a rag tied to the antenna!

We’ve all been arrested. OK, maybe not ALL of us. But for next time, here’s a tip on what NOT to do: don’t hit on your arresting officer. Yeah, some drunken bozo in Maine thought it would be smart to compliment the female cop that arrested him for DUI. Oh, and he also wrestled with her when she tried to cuff him because he wanted them to be “tied together.” Believe it or not, she’s not that into him!

My wife used to work for a company in Denver called Tasty Taxi – they would deliver food to your home from various restaurants around town. Now, in Aspen of all places, this idea is being taken one step further to have women dressed in tight t-shirts deliver lunches to construction workers. Great idea! You know the construction workers really need the encouragement to harass women!

Oh, NBA! Did we learn NOTHING from the NHL? Already talks for a new collective bargaining agreement in the NBA have broken off with no new meetings scheduled. The current agreement expires at the end of June and, unfortunately, the players and the owners just can’t figure out how to split billions and billions of dollars in revenue! This time, it IS the greedy players as they changed their minds after both sides were close to a deal in mid-April. Guess who won’t feel sorry for any of them? Are we really going to be down to just two major sports? Let’s just expand lacrosse away from just the east coast and make the tickets cheap – I’d totally go! And not the indoor crap with the constant heavy metal music and annoying PA guy from the local rock station! The real outdoor game is what I want in Colorado! And how long before baseball shoots itself in the foot? Sure it came really close a few years ago, but the ridiculously paid players just keep getting what they want. I love to look at the salaries of baseball players and see if I’ve ever heard of the 95% that make over $3/year (remember, millions is always implied in sports salaries – and the number of people that will claim American Idol is prejudiced because the two finalists this year are Caucasian, even though the last two winners weren’t – just wait!).

There was a bomb scare on a NY subway train last week. It wasn’t a bomb; however, it was a remote camera set up to film up women’s skirts. People are just plain sick and wrong! And now I’m out a perfectly good camera!

A man in West Virginia was arrested for breaking into a church, A CHURCH, to use the pastor’s computer to look at porn sites. My theory: if this country was a little more open to nudity, kinda like in Europe, then this wouldn’t be such a taboo subject and the rebellion edge would be gone. Sex crimes would go down, and the jails would be less crowded. Seriously, half of these crimes are committed because of the adrenalin rush of doing something that is deemed to be “wrong!” If people didn’t look at nudity as a dirty thing, the temptation of being rebellious would be gone. Just my two cents…

Since we’re on the subject of rebellion, Ricky Williams is rumored to be interested in returning to the NFL. Of course he is! If he comes back, then it looks as if he wasn’t really suspended for failing drug tests and he won’t have to pay back his $8.6 signing bonus. However, Vikings running back, Onterrio Smith, WILL be suspended this year for substance abuse strike 3. Is pot really worth losing millions of dollars for? Stupid potheads!

Check out the macaque! There is a rogue monkey roaming around Tokyo! Macaques have been know to attack and bite humans, isn’t that right my lovely wife! Ask her about her monkey encounter and steer clear of the macaque! I said macaque!

Is West Virginia the freakiest place in this country or what? Some woman was painting a fence and got trapped when a camel sat on her. A 1500-pound camel came out of nowhere and sat on her as she was painting a fence! WTH?

She STOLE my idea! A college student in NJ is selling her body as advertising space through ebay! Didn’t I mention this idea months ago? She plans to place temporary tattoos on her abdomen while she's at the beach or on other body parts when she's at the mall, sporting events, amusement parks and other public places. And by seeing her pic online, the $11,000/month is money well spent! She doesn’t need ads on that body to get attention!

This is awesome! A calf in New Mexico was born with 5 legs. Yeah, that’s a little creepy!

If that link wasn’t disturbing enough, why don’t you search for Saddam in his tighty-whities! Seriously, there’s a picture of him in his undies doing laundry that are being published in the US and Britain. Not sure anyone really wants to see that, but if you have an odd perversion, well there you go!

Eye doctors in India are trying to ban a new movie called “Naina” (Eyes). The movie is about a blind person that gets a cornea transplant and then can suddenly see dead people. Eek! The docs are afraid this movie will scare people away from cornea transplants. It’s FICTION people! Just like the Da Vinci Code – not real! Did you know albinos are having issues with the Da Vinci Code’s villain being albino? Yeah, because there’s never been an albino villain before! Ya know they’re just a tad creepy to begin with…

Brazilian police were assigned to destroy a desolate village and tear down the homes where squatters gathered. However, the police hit the wrong village and destroyed perfectly legal citizen’s houses. Oops!

Oh, 5/23 is our wedding anniversary by the way! 7 years and she still finds me entertaining, only rolling her eyes at about 48% of my jokes. And I still find her to be as cute and sweet as ever, except when she hits me with the belt. I don’t like the belt! In honor of our special day, as a tradition since year 2, we’re going to see the new Star Wars movie. It’s kind of a silly tradition, but the films always come out right around our anniversary. However, if I see anyone in the theater dressed in costume, I will smack ‘em! I just don’t understand that! Can’t you just go to the film and enjoy it in normal clothes, like a Pat Angello Fan Club t-shirt?

3 comments:

Collin said...

Wonderful post as always, but I have this question for you: Do you ever sleep? I thought I was reaching the end of the post but it turned out to be a link.

I think the hottest concert wear this year should be going topless.

Arrested Development is awesome, but I have a very hard time sitting down on a regular basis and watching TV. Especially on the weekends.

I read a great review of the first Britney & Kevin episode but can't remember the link. Sorry.

As I've already stated, Mimes are Satan's ninjas.

While I was in the Air Force during basic training there had to be at least six inches of air between you and the airman in front of you in the mess line. God help us if we had tried to hug.

It's important that a race not be broken and the Italian Mob understands this.

They have EVERYTHING at WalMart!

Yes, because your wife being fucked next to you for over an hour is something that is easy to sleep through.

The "other things" probably concerned stuff like the necessity of maintaining a proper camel toe and the right and wrong way to give a discrete handjob under the table.

And the really funny thing is they can't just take the tattoos off. Hah!

You are kidding about the Trump musical, right? I mean... how could they? And how did this man get back into the public consciousness?

Wasn't the Bud guy in uniform or something? Hah. "In uniform."

Yes, it's all good until the teeny robots toss off the laws of robotics and start to dissolve everything in their path.

No basketball? Gosh, that would suck. Golly.

That's someone who doesn't know how to hide his camera.

He probably figured that the pastor had the best sites already linked. Although, by that logic then to get the rush he would have had to do something that was even more wrong than looking for porn in God's house.

Okay, I will be sure to kick anything kinda monkey shaped that comes near me until it leaves. Thanks for the warning.

I'm trying to imagine how quickly a camel can swoop in and sit down... I seriously can't picture that as being unavoidable.

Someone already did that selling of body canvas on eBay for a year. I was considering doing it to pay off my student loans, but I figured after the first guy did it the demand wouldn't be high enough and I would be sporting "Whopper" on my forehead for BK for a year at less than the cost of buying one.

"It that a fifth leg or are you happy to see me? Oh. It IS a fifth leg."

Um. Why were you searching for Saddam in his undies?

I had a friend who was an albino. He was actually pretty cool. The neighborhood kids were afraid of him though, so they killed him and ate him to absorb his power. It's tough being an albino.

That's great. You would think they would take a moment to make sure they were in the right place. Boneheads.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! They've had a new Star Wars movie ever since your 2nd anniversary? Heh. I hope you enjoy it. If you can look past some of the horrible dialog it's not so bad. What are you going to do next year?

Heather said...

Real Life is coming?? I'll go to that show just to see them! Although Devo would be great as well!!

Pat Angello said...

What, no addition to the Top 11? Disappointed!

Collin - I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on my postings. I have a mailing list that I send updates (and the newsletter) to if you'd like to be added so you know when it's fresh.

Heather - Devo is my all-time favorite band! And I'm actually mainly excited about Missing Persons! I saw Devo in Chicago last summer and they were awesome. Can't wait to see Dale and Terry Bozio live!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!