Monday, April 11, 2005

PAFC Newsletter 4/10/05

YAY for the newest PAFC contest winners! And remember, for those who participated, a lil’ sumpin’-sumpin’ is comin’ yer way!

People are saying the new merchandise site ( is like 10 times better than the original (! Go check ‘em both out and judge for yourself! Remember, for any order placed at either site in the month of April, I will donate $5 to the American Heart Association in Mark “Smitty” Smith’s name. C’mon, help me raise some dough here!

I wanted to thank those of you who supported me on Saturday as I did a little stand-up comedy at our glorious church talent show. I had a lot of fun, and I really appreciate y’all showing up! Hope you enjoyed it. I felt good, and I think it went well. So, I am certainly game to go at it again at an open-mike night and I will keep everyone posted!

Ah, Colorado! The only state where it can be 53 degrees at 10 PM on Saturday night only to wake you up on Sunday to a blizzard with a good foot of snow on the ground at 9 AM! Amazing!

BTW, my back is killing me from shoveling – and my wife did half the work!

This is a scary story and I’m currently keeping an eye on ESPN to see what happened! Apparently DT/OL Al Lucas (formerly of the Carolina Panthers) suffered a spinal injury in an Arena Football game today and passed away. It’s scary enough to see major injuries from football, but I don’t ever recall someone dying in a game.

BTW, until the Crush can outscore the Nuggets, I don’t really care about Arena Football!

Is Tiger back? After edging out Chris DiMarco in a 1-hole playoff at the Masters, Tiger Woods has regained the number 1 ranking in the world. I’m really glad, because I always thought Vijay Singh was kind of a jerk. Seriously, the guy spoke his mind just a bit too much. Learn when to keep quiet! I know he was incredible last year, but how can you root for someone so degrading to everyone, including women. I remember when I was working for a golf club manufacturer and we were pursuing Fuzzy Zoeller as a spokesperson. Then Fuzzy made a “fried chicken and watermelon” comment about Tiger Woods. Nice! Suddenly, we weren’t that interested anymore and we had an interracially married employee threaten to leave the company if we hired Fuzzy. Well, we steered clear and found no decent big name golfer to endorse the product and we eventually went out of business. So, what was the point I was trying to make? Oh yeah! Vijay’s a pig! Go Tiger! And the crowd shots of his wife aren’t hurting either. OUCH! Oh, so maybe they are hurting…

BTW, watermelon flavored Smirnoff Twisted is nummy!

Watch out for the rich Colorado kids partying! DU won their second straight NCAA hockey title by beating North Dakota 4-1! YAY! Is this a dynasty in the making? The goaltenders are a sophomore and a freshman, and the best forward is also a freshman. Besides, it’s not like the NHL is going to bring someone up anytime soon! The DU-CC battles this season, like always, were fantastic to watch. Congratulations to DU and get the shirtless guys out of the intersection at Evans and University! Seriously, nobody needs to see that!

BTW, I left my shirt on when I entertained the church. FYI!

My Uncle Tom is in town for a few months, which is awesome! He is a Catholic priest and was part of a two man tag team that performed our wedding (the other being Katy’s uncle, a Methodist minister who we like to call Uncle Dave). Tom went to a week-long seminar last week that was led by Boulderite Ken Wilbur, a Buddhist following philosopher. Tom is a big fan of Wilbur and calls him Colorado’s best kept secret. Must be, because I have never heard of him! Anyway, Tom ended up in a one-on-one physical dynamics exercise with some singer of a rock band, “Ed Kowalski or something…” I corrected him and said, “Ed Kowalczyk?” He agreed and I kinda freaked out – for my wife. See, Ed sings for a band called Live, my wife’s all-time favorite band. Actually, I think Ed is the only man alive my wife would leave me for, or at least he’s at the top of her long list. When I told her my uncle was face-to-face with Ed, she nearly jumped out of her skin! The one guy in the world that would be at this seminar and it ends up being him – AND my uncle is his buddy for the week! He was kind enough to sign a picture for Katy, but she was not able to meet him.

BTW, Purdy – he’s about 6’ 1” – NOT 5’ 4”! Katy wanted me to let you know!

I know I told everyone about my birthday last week, and I really appreciate some of my friends and family making donations in Mark’s name instead of buying me gifts! But now I’m feeling old. Not really because I turned 36, but because I can no longer dominate my nephew in video games. The kid literally destroyed me in NBA Live ’05 and even my own game of NFL 2K5! Granted I was able to knock him around a little in NBA 2K5 (yes, it’s a different game) – nothing like beating him with Kyle freakin’ Korver of all players – gotta go with the Creighton kids! I also blazed him in MLB 2K5. However, I think I feel the same way my dad did the first time I beat him in tennis and he didn’t let me. Sorry, Dad! It hurts!

BTW, the kid has been playing NBA Live ‘05 every day since Xmas – not that I’m using it as an excuse!

I have a long commute to work, but I don’t mind it so much. I have good tunes and a killer stereo, so who cares? Besides, I like where I work, and I’m not just saying that because my director is a member of the PAFC and reads this. Actually, how cool is that? My stinkin’ director signed up for this goofy little fan club! Anyway, the only thing I don’t like about my commute is when I’m running late and some bonehead is driving slowly in the left lane. That’s what we call the “passing/fast lane” in Colorado and, if there isn’t much traffic, why can’t you at least go the speed limit in this lane? If you aren’t passing people, GET OUT! Actually, it’s a new law in CO! You cannot stay in the passing lane or you will get a ticket. However, this law is specific to 65 MPH zones, which is about half of my drive. But isn’t it just common sense and courtesy to stay right except to pass? Hence the term passing lane!

BTW, the factory installed 10” subwoofer in the trunk of my car allows me to cruise Colfax and not expect any shizzle from the kizzles!

That last sentence just reminded me how old and out of date I am! Remember when everyone would say “NOT” at the end of a sentence? Well, my dad tried it once and it came out, “NAY!” Again, that’s how I’m feeling this week!

OK, what stupid thing can I sell on eBay? Some guy is selling the rights to his middle name with a “buy it now” tag of $8000! And like an idiot, I’m giving him press (haha!) for it and fueling the fire. Apparently he is trying to dump the middle name Jean because it’s after his grandfather who he didn’t get along with. Sadly, this has forced his relatives to bid on eBay to get the name back!

BTW, I think we should sell the rights to our dog’s name on eBay! She was named after former Avs player Uwe Krupp before he defected to the Red Wings. Do you think at the age of seven I can teach her to come when I call her “Party Poker Dot Com?”

I thought this was a pitch for a Friday night Cinemax movie at first, but apparently two female teachers got into a catfight in the school during a class! Paulette Baines walked into Mary Oliver’s classroom, grabbed Oliver by the hair, and drug her out while punching her in the face and kicking her. Oliver had a concussion, broken rids and facial bruises. Baines was upset because Oliver told Baines’ daughter and friends to stop loitering in the halls while classes were in session. Sounds like a good enough reason to me! Any excuse for a catfight I always say.

BTW, FOX is already working on a reality show about this.

Sometimes criminals are telling the truth when they say they didn’t do it! A man in Beijing was jailed for killing his wife. Seems they had a domestic dispute in 1994 and the wife left. A much decomposed corpse was found in a local lake, and the husband was sentenced to death even though the body was not identified. Well, the woman is alive and well and has a new husband! Her first husband was coerced and beaten into confessing to the murder, and his wife said nothing. Lovely!

BTW, if I’m ever missing for a few days, ask my wife why the tomato plants in the garden are thriving!

I have been praying and waiting and the good Lord has finally answered – Al Gore TV is alive – ALIVE!!! When melatonin and sleeping pills aren’t working, I’m going to start watching Current, Al Gore’s attempt at a TV channel for young viewers. Current will feature news, culture and viewer-produced video. Great, more Viva La Bam! All I can say is it can’t be worse than MTV!

BTW, I don’t think there is anything worse than MTV!

I think I’ve found a new hobby. I haven’t tried it yet, but it sounds so appealing! No, I’m not going to start piercing things or get tattoos all over my body. But this body hanging stuff sounds like fun! For only $100, I can have huge fish hooks stuck through my shoulders, get lifted off the ground, and swing like a monkey on a tire! Sounds so invigorating! Some guy explained that it was like standing up too fast and feeling like you’re going to pass out. Yeah, that’s my kind of rush.

BTW, save the hundred bucks, stand on your head for a few seconds, and then get up really fast – same feeling, no blood!

Speaking of piercing, I think this one has finally gone a little too far. Some guy in TX thinks that his metal bar that goes through the bridge of his nose would be the perfect place to install glasses! Just clip ‘em into the bar and yer good to go! Who wouldn’t want rimless lenses suspended from a barbell in the bridge of your nose?

BTW, laser surgery is much less painful!

Here’s my mother AND my mother-in-law’s worst nightmare (other than being in a closet full of cats): a deliveryman was stuck in an elevator for 4 days straight! Other than a little dehydration, he was OK. Nanny and Nana both love closed spaces! OK, that was sarcastic – they are both very much claustrophobic! Seriously, if you lock my mother in a coat closet with a cat, she’d be dead in about 30 seconds.

BTW, my mother lives in a very open house and doesn’t own a cat.

Like a wise man (or was it wise guy) in college once said, “You can’t go planting seeds and expect nothing to grow.” Looks like this little piece of advice could have saved P. Diddy a ton of money! Sean “Puffy/P. Diddy/Piece of @#$%” Combs has been ordered to pay ex-girlfriend and mother of his 11-year-old daughter $21K on a monthly basis, and about $400K in back child support for a son as well. But wait, there’s more! Combs also pays another woman $30K a month in child support for a daughter.

BTW, I’m pretty sure buying condoms is a cheaper.

Usually I’m the one saying parents are overprotective and cover for their children, but here’s one lawsuit I can stand behind! After a 5-year-old girl got sick and threw up in the toilet at school, the teacher handed the kid rubber gloves and made her unclog it while the entire class watched. Dude, that is one disgusting thing to have to live through for that kid, as well as the rest of the class. Of course the mother is suing the school, and I say do it! The girl has an incurable gastrointestinal condition and the parents are claiming the school has hired inadequate teachers. OK, not sure if cleaning up vomit is a teacher’s responsibility, but I know the teacher was out of line here.

BTW, when my wife threw up on me, I made her clean it up as well. Ya think she’ll sue me now? She was laughing so hard afterwards, maybe I can counter!

Finally (shaddup!), I still can’t get over the Nuggets right now. 28-2 since the All-Star break? Do you really think anyone wants to play them in the playoffs? Currently, they are the 7 seed, but they were a missed dunk by PHX against HOU away from being the 6. They will likely get San Antonio or SEA in the first round, so expect them to get to the second round. Because the NBA doesn’t reseed after the first round of playoffs like the NHL and NFL does, I’m going to go ahead and say DEN vs. PHX in the Western Conference Finals. There, I think the Nugs will have met their match, but what a great run it will be. Next year – it’s our year next year!

BTW, the key stats for the Nuggets during this run have to be points in the paint and opponent’s 4th quarter points.

1 comment:

Susan said...

Hey ya buddy, ya gotta be careful who you give this blog address out to. Ya never know what crazy friend of Katy's is gonna show up! ('s Susan who stayed @ yer home!)

"BTW, watermelon flavored Smirnoff Twisted is nummy!"

That is ohhhh so very wrong! ICK!

"OK, what stupid thing can I sell on eBay? Some guy is selling the rights to his middle name..."

Did you hear about the couple who is seeking a sponsor for their baby on ebay? Apparently, they want someone to sponsor a baby cause they've been unsuccessful at having their own. *rolling eyes*

Why oh why are people so against adoption???

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!