Sunday, March 20, 2005

PAFC Newsletter 3/20/05

I need to start this week by saying thank you to all of those who read, commented, and forwarded on my tribute to Smitty! I can’t tell you how excited I was to see the hit counter grow so quickly on the blog (! But now, as he would have wanted it, we’re going to be goofy and have some fun!

Speaking of goofy, go get yerself a Pat Angello Fan Club T-shirt at! Tell you what, for every order of my merchandise purchased from now thru the end of April, I will donate $5 to the American Heart Association in Smitty’s name. C’mon, what else would you give someone for April Fool’s Day than a PAFC sticker?

I am very happy that Renee still went to see Duran Duran with my wife and her buddies last week. I know it was hard for her to do, but they did have a blast! In fact, PAFC member Nichelle got a special treat at the show!

The girls spent $85 each to be in the second row. Now, when Katy said she and Nichelle were going to the ticket office at 5 AM to buy Duran Duran tickets, I thought she was nuts. I know they wanted good seats, but nothing gets my wife out of bed before 10 on a Saturday. And she and Nichelle were very lonely (OK, the only ones there) until about 10 minutes before the ticket office opened. I was home sleeping and wondering how much Duran Duran tickets could really cost – it ain’t exactly their prime anymore. I’m thinking $40 at the most, as was Nichelle’s husband. Well, at Renee and Smitty’s holiday party that night Nichelle’s husband just could not get over the $85 price tag – even if they were in the second row. But the girls were very excited.

I grilled burgers for the ladies the night of the show and played the chauffer so they didn’t have to fight for parking. I dropped them off behind the building near the tour busses. Finally, around 10:45, Katy called me to come get them. She was freaking out, “Oh my GOD! Wait until I tell you what happened! No, I’ll let Nichelle tell you. Just come pick us up right where you dropped us off.” Katy was just a little excited…

Being in the second row is better than the first. When you’re in the first row, people that don’t have great seats flood your row, flash the security guards, and get in your way. When you’re in the second row, you can still see over them and you still have room. And all the little bimbo’s in the front that were flashing the band all night long learned a hard lesson.

Simon LeBon, lead singer of Duran Duran, introduced the band but needed someone to introduce him. So, he walked off the stage, went past the skanks that snuck into the front row, looked and pointed at Nichelle and said, “how about you?” Naturally, Nichelle turtled, but her friends pulled her up and handed her over to Simon. He asked her name, and she sort of responded, and he said, “this is Nichelle everyone!” The crowd went wild. He then said to her, “do you know who I am?” Nichelle gave him a (duh!) look and said, “Yeah, you’re Simon LeBon!” He leaned over to her, whispered in her ear, “all you have to say is, ‘on lead vocals, Simon LeBon.’” Nichelle then proceeded to announce Simon LeBon to the crowd like he was starting in an NBA game. And now her husband (and I) can never, ever complain about how much those tickets cost! This totally trumps the bass player from the Hives throwing me a bottle of water!

I suppose I need to be generic and comment on the baseball/steroids hearings. Exactly what is congress trying to accomplish here? That Sammy Sosa, though he has interviewed on TV and in the locker room for the 10 years in fluent English, suddenly can’t speak English anymore? Or was it that his statement, “I have never used steroids” coming from an interpreter means that the interpreter never used steroids? That Mark McGuire will dance around the question of steroid use for the rest of his life because he doesn’t want an asterisk next to his name in the record books? Or that Jason Giambi is all talk, but a total baby when it comes time to put up? The guy his been pointing fingers and whining about the use of steroids in baseball all off-season, but when called before congress he goes through leaps and bounds to NOT have to show up! How did hockey blow up before baseball?

Webster’s is SO out of date! Can you believe the word “wedgie” just made it in their dictionary? Haven’t people been getting wedgies since 1950? Here it is, “wedgie: noun. a prank in which the victim's undershorts are jerked upward so as to become wedged between the buttocks.” Not nearly as comical, but also added were Al Qaeda, blog, cargo pants, irritable bowel syndrome and partial-birth abortion. Ironically, all of those words pretty much sum up the 2004 presidential election!

Man do we live in the wrong country! In Beijing, safari parks have decided to stop feeding their lions and tigers large live animals, such as horses, in public. Talk about getting your money’s worth for the tour! That would be sweet to watch! I guess you can just turn on the Discovery Channel instead. Mmmm Horsey! Horselicious! What kind of natural safari is it without a little horse hunting? Like kids won’t have nightmares from watching the local news anyway… Or that Michael Jackson trial!

I have found some serious ironicness! (Yes, I know that’s not a word!) Maybe it’s just the lazy south, but when prosecutors in Tennessee summoned the parents of habitually truant children to discuss the laws about children missing school, most of the parents DIDN’T SHOW UP! I wonder where this problem is coming from. Oh, let’s just blame George W. – it works for everything else, right? Besides, nothing is ever the parent’s fault, it’s gotta be society, or video games, or TV, or movies. The fact that the parents aren’t paying attention to the kids has NOTHING to do with the problem. How have we become such a finger-pointing society? Is it really that hard to say, “Yep, I screwed up and I’ll try to fix it?”

Speaking of bad parents, a 5-year-old was arrested in Florida after having an episode/outburst in school. Apparently the little girl threw books and boxes, kicked a teacher in the shins, smashed a candy dish, hit an assistant principal in the stomach and drew on the walls. This all stemmed from a simple project where the kids were counting jelly beans. The girl was acting silly, so the teacher took away her jelly beans – and then it was ON! The kid had to be restrained and thrown in the back of a police cruiser – at the age of 5! So how does the parent react? You guessed it – she’s suing the school!

Lawmakers in Texas are trying to tone down sexy cheerleading in high schools. Apparently cheerleading competitions already penalize for seductive movements, but the football games are a different story. Do we really need to see 15-year-olds bumping and grinding? There are some people on this email list that shouldn’t answer that question.

This certainly wasn’t an issue where I went to college – Creighton University in Omaha, NE. First of all, it was a Catholic school, and most students there came from small Catholic schools. Oh, I know – you’ve got your little Catholic School Girl fantasy from dirty magazines pictured in your head. The knee-high socks, the short plaid skirt, the white Oxford, maybe some pigtails. Now, let’s turn her into a Creighton Girl

First, remember where Creighton is located – Omaha, NE. So, most of these girls are from NE and the surrounding states like KS, IA, SD, ND, etc. There seems to be a little inbreeding in these states, so give your Creighton girl some kind of facial deformity. It can be slight, like one nostril bigger than the other or a droopy eye or one really small ear. In fact, the best player on the women’s basketball team was cock-eyed. We would always yell, “Throw it to the cock-eyed chic! YAY!” She was a sharp-shooter!

Second, remember that all of those states are anywhere from 5-15 years behind as far as fashion is concerned. Many people there still have mullets and wear Buttafuco Zuba pants out in public as recently as, well, today. So your Creighton girl needs either a really bad perm or 5” high mall-bangs.

Third, again because of the location of the school, you need to corn feed her. Add about 40-50 pounds to your Creighton girl and NOW tell me what you see – a large, droopy-eyed, monster with a bad perm. Is this something you want to look at in a dirty magazine or bumping and grinding at mid court? In fact, our cheerleaders were so fat… (How fat were they?)…they were so fat we used to call them the Moo Croo. Yeah, we had a special budget for herding dogs to get the cheerleaders on and off the court during time outs!

What was the best part about a Creighton girl? She liked to play hard to get! Right, you’re “saving yourself” but drinking an Old Mill!

Why do I have a feeling I’ll be hearing from some old female college friends this week?

A turtle that survived a pet store fire in Indiana could be the devil himself! The owner of the store is claiming that Lucky the turtle has developed an image of Satan on his shell since the fire. Keep an eye on ebay…

OK, hear me now, all family and friends: if I ever become a vegetable and can’t feed myself, pull the feeding tube out. Take this as my written living will/wishes – don’t involve the courts, don’t think I’ll be happier sitting in my own filth for the rest of my life while you are burdened with the cost and maintenance of a life I cannot really live. Just pull it and have a great party!

March Madness is certainly living up to its name! Where did all of the 3 seeds go? And what the heck happened to Wake Forest? I bet Purdy wishes Creighton won that first round game after all, because the Demon Deacons would have wiped the court with the Blue Jays in round two instead of barely staying alive into two overtimes just to go down in the second round. I haven’t looked recently, but I think I have 1 Final Four team that’s still alive.

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Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!