Time to make enemies!
This is a sign of the apocalypse: the company I work at is auctioning off “art” made by children from the ages of 6 weeks (NO, that is not a typo) to 5 years. A 6-week-old child scribbled in yellow crayon on a piece of paper and the bidding starts at $5! Why don’t you just ask me to donate money? What am I going to do with that? Is Mom’s refrigerator full? All proceeds go to art supplies for the daycare center – because the artists consumed all those supplies for this project.
Something tells me nobody is going to visit my cube at work this week. I bet I get the Ward Churchill treatment. Maybe I should show up on Tuesday parading behind a group of violin playing Italians and a holier-than-thou attitude?
I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure this out – maybe because I am actually focused on trying to lose weight as a resolution this year – but I know why so many diets die in February. It’s those darned girl scouts! They pester you at church, work, and the grocery store. We all end up buying $50 worth or cookies and wonder how we hit the weight loss wall inside of 2 months! Then we get discouraged and give up. But how can you resist? The girls are all so cute and aggressive, and they make something for everyone. If you are a freak that doesn’t like chocolate, they have options! So I am here to keep you focused! You can still eat the cookies and stick to your goals! Try limiting yourself to just 2-3 a night, and right after dinner. You don’t want to eat that many calories too late in the evening. Or, just go on a binge and destroy them all! Gain the few pounds, and realize what did it – then you can get focused again. I’m writing all of this on a morning where I had to try on 3 pairs of jeans because my one pair that fits properly is in the laundry.
This is just an observation on the way to work, but will a self-respecting man ever buy a Pontiac G6? Oprah gave them away, and the commercial is focused on women… This is the Saturn SL2 of 2005! Honestly, you will never see a G6 on the road with a man behind the wheel – unless it’s a rental. Track it yourself! You’ll either find an old lady or some young Oprah fan driving these things, just like the Saturn! Wait, I drove an SL2 ten years ago! Oh, never mind!
I am so sad that Blink 182 has disbanded! What are we to do with one less band that has a number in their name? The trends are dying! I guess I was mostly surprised to find out that they had put out 10 albums – TEN! How could I have missed that? I must have blinked! OK, that was corny. Speaking of Korn, one of their members left the band! The guy got tired of playing dark music and found ol’ JC! He is down with G.O.D.! JC is in the house! Can I get a wut-wut? So if being in a death-metal band makes you find Christ, does this explain how people that are brought up in a religious heavy house go off the deep end? Can’t we all just find a happy medium? Ya know, go to church on weekends, and listen to Megadeth during the week!
After the NBA All-Star game took place here in Denver last week (a country-rapping midget on crutches at half time?), I started to wonder – what is Denver to me? I’ve lived here basically all my life, and I don’t listen to country music or ski. I know that makes some people think I should be deported, but you can enjoy mountains without having to ski on them. Do people around the country think we’re all about country music and snow? I don’t ride a horse or live on a ranch. The lil’ woman and I head to the mountains every now and then to shop or visit really cool little towns. Sometimes we go up to hike, bike, or camp, but that’s a pretty rare occasion. Seeing the mountains on a daily basis is absolutely beautiful! But my vision of Denver is really concrete right now, thanks to the 10-year T-Rex project that is expanding the interstate. Without weekly trips to the Pepsi Center for hockey games, my view is cement roads and other cars that refuse to get out of the fast lane even though they are not actually passing people. Hey, that’s illegal now! The beauty of driving in Denver at night is always being able to see the blue Qwest lights downtown. The altitude is irrelevant after you’ve been here a week or so, but the dry air can make anyone get nosebleeds. So I guess to me, Denver is a slow drive to work with mountains to my left and a bloody nose. Maybe people would rather hear the country-rapping midget on crutches…
Whitney Houston got sick on a plane in France this week due to food poisoning. Yeah, right! Actually, it was called gastroenteritis. Hey, my dog had that last week! I wonder if Whitney also didn’t chew up her treat properly! Either that, or my dog has a coke problem.
Talk about biting the hand that feeds you! A blind man who allegedly bit his guide dog has been charged with animal cruelty. The guy bit and kicked his guide dog in the street in front of many witnesses – guess he didn’t see them. Hopefully this guy will never get assistance from anyone again. Sure it happened in Scotland, but if you see a blind guy trying to cross the street without a guide dog, you shouldn’t help him just in case. To me, this is appalling! This dog was trained from day one to assist blind people and this SOB kicked and bit it? It’s upsetting enough to see poorly behaved animals getting abused, but a trained dog? Anyone that has a pet needs to give it a little extra love this week.
More about not biting the hand that feeds you. A 4-year-old bull elephant impaled a zookeeper this week in Vienna. This is the same zookeeper that has cared for the elephant since birth! And you thought pit bulls would turn on you! This is a CSI episode waiting to happen! Then again, there’s really no mystery to the zookeeper’s death here.
At what age do people need to take a mandatory driving test? I’m not asking because I got stuck behind an old person on the road. I’m asking because an 86-year-old monk mistook a tube of superglue for eye drops. OK, what are these two items doing in the same drawer anyway? Doctors used acetone to dissolve the glue in one eye so far, with the same procedure scheduled for the other eye next week. I think we saw a cat at the vet ICU last week with the same problem, but my mother was nowhere to be found. (Uh, she hates cats, FYI.)
Need a new school president? An Ohio State University student has put school president Karen Holbrook on the online auction site ebay, saying that she will, “ruin the undergraduate experience.” OK, how? How much power can this girl really have? I can’t even tell you who my school president was when I was in college, let alone list their accomplishments and shortcomings – and I didn’t drink! I think this kid needs to get over it and try to, oh, I don’t know, concentrate on school! Then again, does anyone really go to OSU for an education? All I know is my niece is school president in her grade school and I’d never try to sell her on ebay. Unless my house is still on the market come June, then we may be desperate.
This may be hard to believe, but Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie have upset people with their total lack of respect for other human beings! The evil women drove a hearse, filled in a grave and held a mock funeral during an episode of the Simple Life last week. They also spilled what appeared to be human ashes onto a carpet, and then used a vacuum cleaner to clean them up. How can anyone think this is comical? The ashes were actually a mixture of cat litter and cement, but people who had family members buried at that funeral home were upset as the mock funeral took place in the same room where many paid their last respects to lost relatives. Respect. Can you spell respect Paris? No, it’s not a new fragrance by YSL. After seeing her huge head hanging in a store at the mall this weekend, I wondered aloud how this ugly person has gotten so famous! Yet here I am, fueling the fire about every week! She just makes me so sick I want her to go away – I can live without the paragraph every week. Actually, here it is – my word that I will NEVER mention her in a column again. Write it down in the calendar and circle it! I feel so cleansed! OK, maybe just once more – when her tragic death is reported.
Speaking of tragic deaths, why is it the only the good musicians die horribly and too young? A specific example would be the death of Stevie Ray Vaughan that happened when I was in college. He died just after going through rehab and cleaning himself up. He had a new album out, and things were going well for him. Then he was killed in a helicopter crash. Why is it always the great ones? How come we never get to turn on the news to hear that a bus carrying (insert annoying boy band here) went off a cliff and there were no survivors? Sorry, just a fantasy of mine.
OK, this is a scary trend here. John Bobbit must be getting chills. Last week a woman in England got upset at her ex for not giving in to her advances. She ripped out one of his boys with her bare hands, popped it in her mouth, and walked off. Now, another woman in Alaska got upset when her boyfriend said they should break up, and she cut the whole thing off and flushed it down a toilet. I thought Alaska was like 80% men? She’s got her pick! Or she at least HAD her pick. Now she’s the woman who cut it off – the lone woman in Alaska that will never find a date again! It was reattached, and I’m sure he’ll be doing adult films in no time.
Since there is no hockey, at least the NBA got a little interesting at the trade deadline. 35 players moved to new teams – that’s insane! The biggest winner has to be Philly who scored Chris Webber, Jamal Mashburn, and Rodney Rogers without giving up much. And what a great move by Denver! Wait, they didn’t do much! They got rid of Rodney White and the Russian Bust of 2003 and acquired a center, a guard and a number one pick. I guess that’s not a horrible deal, as Camby needs a back up, but there is still no shooting guard on this team that can, ya know, shoot. I do like the fact that Doug Moe is back on the bench as an assistant coach in Denver – and what an effort by Moe and Karl on Friday night! Too bad it meant Michael cooper had to be “assigned to another department inside the organization.” What the heck does that mean? Is he a dance squad coach now, or is he driving a bicycle taxi, or will he be scanning tickets at the door, or did they hide him in the back room of the retail store to do inventory? Talk about falling out of the spotlight – the guy was the head coach just a few weeks ago! And what about Moe’s health? The guy could fall over dead at any given fast break, and this team runs a lot!
And football got a little funky this week too! Drew Bledsoe has been reunited (and it feels so good) with Bill Parcells in Dallas. That should work! At least he’s under the age of 50! But the talk in Denver is about how badly Oakland will kick our butts now that they’ve acquired Randy Moss. Denver never even went after the guy, even though they need a 3rd receiver in a desperate way and the last thing they want is (another) game breaker on the Raiders. Did anyone watch that night game in the snow last season? Do you think the Raiders really need another weapon? This should open up their running game and make them a force in the AFC West this year. Plus, Denver is about to lose the only two defensive linemen that can put anything resembling pressure on the quarterback. Hang on, folks – this is going to be a tough year! The only thing we’ve got going this coming season is Tatum Bell. However, tell me the last time Denver did NOT have a huge running back? I don’t think losing badly to the Colts in the playoffs is going to be an issue this year. Granted Moss is kind of a distraction, and Oakland is where bad seeds go to die, but if you ever get a chance to go after one of the greatest athletes in the league, you gotta at least be competitive about it. Now Muhsin Muhammad is available from Carolina and Ty Law from New England. Get on it, Shanahan! But wait, he’s too late already! Why? Because Chicago already picked up Muhammad! Yeah, they’re the reincarnation of the ’83 Chargers all of a sudden. Quick, someone name the starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears! I didn’t think so.
Since when did college basketball turn in to minor league hockey? Temple basketball coach John Chaney has been suspended for the remainder of the season for sending in a thug to injure the other team. I didn’t know basketball had goons! Apparently Chaney thought St. John’s was setting illegal screens the last time the two teams met. When they started doing it again, he pulled in a bench warmer to go knock the St. John’s players around. The kid fouled out in 4 minutes and broke a senior’s arm. Nice! At least he got to play! His parents must be so proud!
I will watch golf if the big names are going at it on a Sunday, as will many people that aren’t huge golf on TV fans. So, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for whoever was carrying the Match Play Championship this weekend. Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods AND Vijay Singh all crapped out on Friday, leaving a few no-names to battle it out on Sunday. I bet hockey would get better ratings!