Sunday, February 20, 2005

PAFC Newsletter 2/20/05

What scares you? No, what REALLY scares you? How about the fact that there is going to be a Lindsay Lohan Barbie doll? Yeah, me too! So I guess any sub-par actress, sub-par singer, average looking girl with oversized natural (?) boobs can have the world handed to her on a platter before she can legally have an alcoholic beverage. Puh-lease! It’s not that I dislike her by any means – in fact, I loved Mean Girls (mostly because it was written by Tina Fey). However, this is what I would refer to as over the top. OK, WAY over the top! The only thing that could be positive about this would be if the doll had her exact dimensions – not skinny little legs like most Barbie dolls. Seriously, the girl isn’t too skinny (yet) and she has a little bit of meat on her. Maybe this won’t be so bad, because it’s probably healthier for young girls to idolize Lindsay Lohan than someone like, oh, Paris Hilton. But this is a silly idea. What’s next – a black man owning a professional football team?

Hey, Reggie Fowler just bought the Minnesota Vikings! And he’s black! So what? All I want to say is why must we keep drawing this line? Why does the color of his skin matter when he makes a business deal? Is it still 1940? I think this is great, but the more we see headlines about the “first black owner of an NFL team,” the more we are categorizing and trying to limit people. The real issue here isn’t the color of Reggie’s skin, it’s the fact that he just paid $625 (remember, million is always implied in purchasing prices of professional teams – and under the table Michael Jackson settlements) for the stinkin’ Minnesota Vikings! I mean, next to the Broncos, which other NFL team starts out fast only to fall on their face EVERY season? At least the Broncos already got their new stadium! Best of luck there, Reggie! What’s next – a pop-star serving a 5-year term for rape going on tour?

Mexican pop star Gloria Trevi, who was recently released from prison, will kick off her tour in her hometown of Monterrey next month. Trevi was cleared on rape and kidnapping charges after spending five years in Brazilian and Mexican prisons. Apparently she and her backup singers would lure young girls into their entourage and then sexually abuse them. And, as you might imagine, the US loves her! Mexico isn’t being very receptive to her new CD, but in this country she’s a hit! We love a celebrity with a troubled past, don’t we? What’s next – an old woman being charged for hitting police officers with her cane?

Really, how can a 79-year-old woman separate a man’s shoulder with a wooden cane? Two cops arrived at the woman’s home responding to a domestic violence call. When her caretaker, a 56-year-old man, argued with the officers as they tried to cuff him, the old woman started beating the officers with her cane causing them injuries including a mild concussion and a separated shoulder. What’s next – the first cancelled professional sports season in history?

Oh, NHL. I miss you SO! I am absolutely disgusted that it took until the day commissioner Gary Bettman called a press conference to cancel the season for the players to accept a salary cap. Now the two sides are only $6 apart! And how can you have a 28 game season? What would that prove? Last week I said I couldn’t wait for them to actually try to get money from me for NEXT season, as it doesn’t exist yet. Now, I think they owe the fans lower ticket prices. I’m not holding my breath! After spending $1100 on a sick dog this week, I could use the dough! But I can’t believe this sport is not more popular as it is my favorite. And I also can’t believe that the NHL is going down in history as the first league to ever cancel an entire season. What’s next – some idiot kid not taking responsibility for his actions when he murdered his grandparents?

A 15-year-old kid claimed that the antidepressant Zoloft drove him to burn down his grandparent’s house. Well, the jury didn’t buy it either and the kid is going to jail for 30 years. I get really tired of people blaming their horrible actions on society and peer pressure – ANYTHING but taking responsibility for what they have done. Even with the dumbest little things, people will point fingers. Stop already! What’s next – a 34-year-old former teen pop-star posing for Playboy?

Hey, Debbie Gibson – nobody cares! I thought she went all religious, or was that Tiffany? Anyway, why would anyone want to see Debbie Gibson in Playboy? She wasn’t even cute when she was17! Someone obviously didn’t manage their millions very well. Why else would she be doing this? Do you think Playboy pursued her, or she pursued Playboy? I can’t imagine Hugh has Debbie Gibson on his “A” list. Or “B,” “C,” “D” or “E” even! What’s next – a pro athlete NOT getting special treatment?

Sorry, Ricky Williams, looks like you’ll have to pay back that bonus after all! Williams “retired” at the beginning of the last NFL season. He was still under contract and received a HUGE bonus. Now, he will have to pay back $8.6 of that bonus. He didn’t think he should, for some reason, but he lost the argument. Yep, he’s the one that quit for pot! What’s next – country music at the NBA All-Star half-time show?

Are you kidding me? Do people really think Denver is still such a hick town that we need country music at an NBA All-Star game because it takes place in Colorado? With the big game in town, I decided to head over to the Cherry Creek Mall on Saturday. Why? Because some dorky anchor man on TV suggested some of the celebrities in town would be there, “getting their bling for the parties (that) evening.” First of all, anchor men should never say the word bling! Secondly, after talking to my wife, we were wondering what store in CC would actually carry any huge, diamond encrusted dollar signs. Believe it or not, Hyde Park had a $56,000 chain holding a God-knows-how-much diamond cross, and they were blaring hip-hop music. Just like always! Do you smell that? That’s sarcasm! Apparently, 98% of Aurora saw the same telecast I did because the parking lot was flooded with Dodge Neon’s. There were more people yelling into their cell phones, wearing baggy pants, and not a straight baseball cap in sight. But there was not a celebrity to be found. However, it didn’t stop some of the rich white girls from pointing at every tall black man in a sweat suit that walked by. What’s next – a Nugget winning a skills competition?

It wasn’t going to happen this year as Voshon Leonard couldn’t keep his crown as the 3-point king – possibly because he’s rehabbing a torn Achilles. I’m not sure I like the rising star shootout thingy! It’s kind of neat to have a current player, an old-timer, and a WNBA-er from the same city, but I wasn’t sure what the point was. The again, you can’t argue with seeing Alex English on the court again. The skills competition is just dumb – dribbling around and passing and shooting. That’s got to be the lamest competition there. And when do you get 15 attempts in the dunk contest? I thought if you missed you were gone? Chris Andersen was absolutely painful to watch as his assistant couldn’t give him the perfect bounce pass over and over and over and over and over and over… But it was all worth it just to hear Kelly Clarkson squealing before the competition started. Didn’t she win a singing contest once? And what were the Goo Goo Dolls doing there? I seriously was expecting Nelly, 50 Cent, Destiny’s Child – anyone that has a little ethnicity for the fans of this sport. What’s next – a healthy female in the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue?

Don’t count on it! After seeing the women in the competition to be in this magazine, I was saddened – they are all so thin with no definition to their body! Again, they look like a bunch of 10-year old boys in bikinis! If I wanted to see 10-year-old boys in bikinis I’d…Uh, I don’t think I like where this sentence is going, so insert your own Neverland Ranch/Michael Jackson joke here!

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